


Rule 9: Keep an open mind (even if it's a PITA to do so)

by tgecko



Series: The OT3 borderline crackfic that no one asked for [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Catpool, Collection of Vignettes, Darcy's got rules, F/M, M/M, Multi, No Beta, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rule 9 is Keep an Open Mind, Sanity optional, Sue Storm is addicted to Shutterfly, They keep her alive, Winter Mewldier, please bear with the occasional grammar/spelling error
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 07:08:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17596730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tgecko/pseuds/tgecko
Summary: Darcy has been involved with Wade and Bucky for a while now, as well as being a trusted bestie of Jane, Thor, and Clint.  She has taken to referring to people in her position as Superhero-Adjacent, or SA.  It was the place for the sidekicks, the significant others, the techies who played as a super's personal Geek Squad.  Darcy's goal was to be an SA who lived to see old age, and not get stuffed in a fridge by some asshole with a grudge.  With that in mind, she'd started to put together a list of personal rules for her own safety.Rule 9 is to keep an open mind and stay flexible.  Thanks to mystic masters and scientific super-geniuses, anything is possible.  The sooner she starts accepting whatever stray bit of oddness has crossed her path, the sooner it can be fixed.





	1. Just a Saturday like any other (except for a couple of unexpected guests)

The day had started out as Saturdays usually did. Darcy made a pot of coffee and snuggled up on the couch with Catpool and Winter Mewldier and the three of them had just gotten settled when the doorbell rang. The Winter Mewldier bounded off the couch, a black smear of malice streaking to his hiding spot in the shoe rack so he could ambush whatever fool would dare enter his sanctuary. Catpool perked up and stared at the door, wide-eyed and micro-whiskers tingling. Darcy huffed a sigh and stood, grunting slightly as Catpool sprung from his perch on the back of the couch to land on her shoulder, curling up around her neck like a co-dependent boa. "You're worse than they are," she told the Sphynx cat, petting the thin tail that lay over her collar bones with one hand as she opened the door with the other.

Natasha stood on her doorstep, back to the door as she spoke in a low voice to someone standing a couple of steps lower than her on the front stairs. She was a brunette today, a black with deep blue highlights, and Darcy hummed with good-natured jealousy at the sight. "Is there a hair color that you don't look good in?" She asked rhetorically.

"I don't think I'd be able to carry off the shaved head look," Nat replied, turning to Darcy with a small smile. The movement revealed her companion and Darcy froze, her breath catching in her throat.

It was Bucky, but not the Bucky she was used to seeing. He was younger, about early twenties, unguarded and relaxed in a way that she'd almost never seen. He was wearing his work clothes, his mask hanging loose around his throat and goggles pushed up on his forehead, but the clothes were loose on him. He flashed her a smile, hesitant but sweet. "Nice to meet you. Or I guess 'nice to see you' would be more accurate?"

"Hi, Bucky." Darcy held out a hand to him, grinning as he took it and leaned down to peck at her cheek. "Come on in, I just put coffee on. Where are we at, Nat?" He stepped into the foyer, taking in his surroundings with a sharp gaze that hadn't changed.

"After the Army, before Zola." Natasha waved away the invitation. "I have to take care of some things."

The agent was usually impossible to read, but something about her seemed ever so slightly off. Darcy hesitated for a moment, searching the other woman's face. Natasha in general seemed to be one of those women who would never age, but she was less ageless here and more... unaged. "So you've only been out of the Room for a couple of years, then." Catpool cracked a yawn, snuffled and sneezed in her ear, then jumped to the ground and sauntered off into the house. Nat met her gaze, still as a statue. "Relax, Nat. I'm harmless."

"Dangerous people always say that." Natasha replied, turning on her heel and striding away to the waiting vehicle.

Darcy shut the door, turning and immediately smacking face-first into Bucky's chest. "Woah!" He wrapped large, familiar hands above her elbows to steady her. She grinned up at him, resting her hands lightly on his chest. "Hey there, Smoochie-poo. I bet you have some questions."

Bucky shrugged. "A few. But I can guess a few things. The war's got to be over, or I'm not in it because this-" he waved at his clothes and hair," aren't exactly regulation. Since everyone speaks English and doesn't sound all posh, then I must be back in the States. This address matches the card in my wallet, and-" Bucky shifted, caressing the sensitive skin of her inner elbows with his thumbs as he gave her a low-lidded smile, "I must be doin' something right in this life because you're here to welcome me home. How'm I doing so far?"

Warmth bloomed in the pit of her stomach and she returned his honey-sweet smile with one of her own. "A-plus, full marks," she told him.

He skimmed his hand down her left arm, pulling her hand off his chest and examining the ringless fingers. "Must not be doing everything right," he murmured, pressing a kiss to her knuckles before nipping lightly at the back of her ringless finger. (She'd save the lecture on feminist movements and personal autonomy for after coffee.) "So, sweetness, want to give me a tour of the place?" His warm breath ghosted over her fingers while his gaze focused on her mouth. "Unless we usually hold the welcome home party in the front hall. Wouldn't want to break from tradition, after all."

"Oh sweetie," Darcy crooned, plucking at the buckle on his chest strap with her free hand until the leather pulled free with a soft slither. "Even if it wasn't, there's always time to make new ones." There was probably some moral or ethical factor she ought to consider before jumping his bones right next to the coat closet, but he was pulling her tight against his (less bulky but still powerful) frame and sliding smooth metal fingers under the hem of her t-shirt, tracing patterns over her ribs. She stepped on his boots to gain a few extra inches, rising on her toes to close the gap even further.

He tipped his chin down to meet her, growling a curse as the mask hanging loose around his neck dug into the flesh around his mouth. "On the other hand," he muttered, drawing back and pulling ineffectually at the mask, mouth drawing into a tight frown as it refused to come free. "Maybe I should try and get out of this contraption before I embarrass myself."

Darcy chuckled and stepped away, using the hand still held in his to guide him through the small house to the bedroom. "Here, sit down."

He sat on the edge of the bed, pulling her in between his spread thighs and grinning up at her. "You gonna help me untangle all this, sweet Darcy?" She slipped her fingers into his hair and massaged his scalp with firm strokes, hitting the sorest spots with unerring accuracy. It helped confirm that even if he didn't remember her, she knew him. (And the war he remembered was probably over, but he must still be a soldier of some kind because this was clearly armor and he'd have to be insane to think that this metal arm was anything but a weapon.)

She opened her mouth but whatever she'd been about to say was cut off as the doorbell interrupted her morning once again. "Apparently not," she sighed, darting down to brush a kiss over his lips (a much easier task at this angle) and fiddling with the catches behind his head until the mask dropped free. "Give a shout if you need any help," she told him before slipping out of the bedroom and closing the door softly behind her. The doorbell rang again, over and over, clearly displeased at her inability to teleport in and answer it immediately.

This time it was Cable standing on her door step, the familiar irritable scowl as firmly entrenched as ever. He was gripping the back of another man's neck with his metal hand, a grip he used to shove the man in Darcy's direction. "Here. Take him."

"Um, okay." Darcy crossed her arms over her chest, a move that drew the man's eyes to her chest. "Good morning to you, too, Cable."

The man gave an appreciative leer, then peered around her into the house. "Nice tits, hot stuff! Where's my girlfriend?" Darcy stepped forward, blocking his way past while she stared at Cable, waiting for an explanation (because there was no fucking way...).

Cable growled, one of those wordless vocalizations of discust that he was perfect at. "That's her, dipshit."

"Wade?" She'd... she'd never seen pictures of him from before his accident. Darcy reached out to him, but he flinched away, staring at her with clear disbelief. (Rule 9, remember rule 9, and don't take this personally.)

"No," and it was his voice, and his eyes, but she hadn't been whoever he was expecting, that was clear by the dawning horror on his face. "You're not Vanessa." He spun and jabbed a finger into Cable's chest. The older man glanced down at in and looked up with a sneer that was ignored. "You said you were going to take me to my girl, now take me her. I want to see Vanessa." A glance over his shoulder at Darcy. "I'm sure you're a nice girl and all, but nice girls aren't my type."

Cable's mouth twisted up into something like pity at the crescendo of hysteria rising in Wade's voice. "I don't know what happened to Vanessa. You brought her to the last-" a sneer- "barbecue at the mansion."

"I still want to know who's mutant power it is to make a cookout less fun than a mandatory office picnic," Darcy mumbled under her breath, unconsciously echoing Cable's sneer of distaste.

Wade glanced back at her, then turned back to Cable. "No, that's not right. None of this is right. You need to-" Whatever he'd been about to say was cut off as Cable planted his TO hand in the center of Wade's chest and shoved. Hard. Darcy stepped to the side as Wade stumbled backward, tripping and landing on his ass next to a pair of dark blue Crocs.

"I ain't doing shit," Cable growled. "You got questions, ask her." The time-traveling mutant turned to Darcy, and his harsh expression softened slightly. Which was like saying granite was softer than diamond. A technically true fact, but that didn't mean there would be a huge market for granite-topped mattresses any time soon. "And keep her safe, cumstain."

Aw, how sweet. Darcy thought about inviting him in to join them for coffee, but decided her apartment had hit the maximum limit for metal prosthetics and brooding anti-heroes (for once not the same person! Score!). She waved at Cable's departing back and shut the door for a second time that day. "I'm not Vanessa," she told Wade, who was staring blankly at the wall, his arms resting on his knees. Winter Mewldier had come out of his ambush point to sniff at his dangling fingers. "I don't know what happened, either, to be honest. You don't talk about her much."

Wade poked at Winter Mewldier's side and the cat snapped at him before striding away in as dignified a manner as was possible for the black tripod kitty. "So you're my girlfriend now, or something?"

Darcy opened her mouth to answer, but was interrupted by Bucky padding down the stairs, a framed photo held in one hand. (She knew immediately what photo it was. They'd all gone to visit Sha-Sha, or Wu, so the child leader could show them around the Uhari kingdom, Sue following along to help translate and just be generally awesome. The picture was of Darcy sitting atop Wade's shoulders, reaching up while a giant squid swam just beyond the boundaries of Sue's bubble. Bucky had a hand on her knee to steady her and was laughing at something they'd said. She didn't even know Sue had taken the picture until after their return when the Shutterfly-obsessed Invisible Woman had sent them a photo album of the trip. Darcy loved the picture so much that she'd cut it out of the album to stick into the frame of her mirror so that she could see it every day.)

"Darcy," Bucky held the picture out to her, pointing at Wade, who's cheesy grin was visible through his mask. "Who's he?" He spotted Wade sitting on the floor and pointed at him. "And who's he?"

"Or something," Darcy told Wade. "Wade, this is Bucky. Bucky, that-" she pointed at the picture, "and that-" she pointed to the man sitting on the floor, "is Wade. We're... a Thing."

(Maybe Sue had the right idea with Shutterfly. Maybe she needed to make a scrapbook to explain this odd relationship for any future time or memory related mishaps so she would never have to go through this awkwardness again. Sue could give her tips, she probably went through this shit often enough to have scrapbooks for just about anything.)


	2. Bucky's Perspective

The call came in the wee hours of the night. Or the text, rather. _Sanctum Sanctorum under attack._ The text read. _Dr. Doom ruining our beauty sleep. Outside now._ Bucky rolled out of bed and padded to the closet, grabbing his kit and heading downstairs. Halfway to the door, his phone buzzed with another text. _Don't tell Wade._

Bucky grinned to himself, thumbs flying over the screen. _Oops._ There was a black SUV parked on the street outside his house, motor running. He threw his bag in the backseat and climbed in after it.

"Very funny," Natasha grumbled as she pulled away from the curb. Her eyes met his in the rearview mirror, one eyebrow delicately arched. "If he shows up, I'm shooting him."

"Please don't shoot my boyfriend, Nat." He said blandly, voice slightly muffled behind his shirt as he started gearing up. "It makes Darcy grumpy."

She snorted and he didn't have to see her to know that she was rolling her eyes. "Having my cover blown makes _me_ grumpy. Think of it as housebreaking a puppy, only with a gun instead of a newspaper." The vehicle sped through the empty streets, Natasha taking full advantage of the early hour.

"You know Wade, being shot is practically foreplay to him."

"Unfortunately, I do know." She took the next corner harder then normal, throwing him into the door as he was in the middle of switching out his thin sleepwear pants for reinforced canvas. He pushed himself back into a sitting position, frowning at the unrepentant redhead. "Get your pants on, we're almost there."

"I'm trying," he grumbled, shimmying his pants up over his hips and 'accidentally' kicking the back of her seat while lacing his boots. "You said it was Dr. Doom? Why aren't the Fantastic Four waking up in the middle of the night to deal with this?"

"They're on the moon dealing with tiny green men. Evidently Doom decided to raid Strange's pantry for magical goodies. Strange called Steve for reinforcements, but apparently they're barely able to keep up with him. Wong's going to meet us out front and use that little portal move to get us in so we can flank him."

"Sounds easy enough." Bucky strapped on the last of the various holsters and harnesses as the SUV pulled to a stop outside 177A Bleeker Street.

Thirty seconds later, Bucky was cursing himself for his choice of words. Wade cheerfully waved to the two of them as they stepped through the portal. Somehow he had gained entry to the Sanctum before them and was currently riding Doom like a bucking bronco and trying to rip his metal mask off his head.

"I'm shooting your boyfriend," Natasha said calmly, lining up the red and black mercenary in her pistol sights.

"Don't," Bucky sighed, pushing her gun down. "He keeps trying to talk us into inviting you over for a foursome and I don't want to have that conversation again."

Nat lowered her firearm, looking a little green around the gills, though whether it be at the thought of sex with him or Wade, he couldn't say. They ducked as a stray bolt of green lightning arced over their heads and hit one of the artifacts.

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I remind you that the Sanctum is full of priceless magical artifacts?  I would very much appreciate it if you could reign in that spandexed buffoon before any more of them are destroyed?" Dr. Strange growled while Wanda struggled to free the Master of Mystic Arts from the red cloak that seemed to be trying to strangle him.

"What are you going to do," Tony's distorted voice snarked through the mask, "take it out of our paychecks?" He was attempting to hold some kind of magical construct at bay while Vision and Steve fought off a second one. "Better yet, take it out of _his_ paycheck." A repulsor blast missed hitting Wade by a hair and Bucky cursed under his breath, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"How many times have you had the Tony talk?" Natasha asked, content for the moment to offer observations from the peanut gallery.

"Too many," he replied grimly, ducking another stray blast. "Because apparently 'if we took everyone off the list just because you killed their parents, there wouldn't be a list left.'"

Nat raised her eyebrows at Bucky. "I don't want to judge your relationship.... But I'm judging your relationship. And I'm shooting your boyfriend."

Bucky shrugged, pulling out his phone and opening up the camera app. "If you shoot him, then I won't have the Nat talk. I'll just let you deal with the awkward come-ons." He hit 'record' and gave a thumbs up to Wade with his other hand. Wade whooped and started waving one hand in the air above his head while shouting something about 'eight seconds.'

"Oh for the love of- Are you two just going to stand there and watch?" Tony shouted, blasting away a small boulder that had been knocked off the construct by another stray Doom-blast.

Natasha and Bucky looked at each other, then back at Tony and nodded.

The genius millionaire superhero groaned. "Don't know why I even asked." One solid haymaker later, the concrete construct was collapsing into a pile of rubble leaving Tony free to speed past in a repulsor-powered leap and tackle the flailing Dr. Doom and Deadpool. Soon after, Steve and Vision had managed a one-two combo of their own and were able to help Tony subdue the Latverian mastermind while Wanda...was still trying to pull the cloak off Dr. Strange.

"All in a day's work, ladies and gentlemen," Nat brushed imaginary dirt off her hands and gave Bucky a friendly slap on the back. "I think we can see ourselves out."

"Please do." Strange growled, thrashing around in the cloak and finally working an arm free so he could open one of his magical portals. "And you, the party-crashing clown in the red suit, get out of my Sanctum." With a flick of his fingers, the portal started to move towards Wade.

"Wait wait wait wait wait!" Wade backed away, waving his hands in a shooing motion. "I just need to say goodbye!"

"You said it. Goodbye." The portal whooshed through the air, narrowly missing Wade as he dove to the side, rolling and popping up to his feet. Strange's cloak escaped Wanda's tenuous grip to wrap around him once more and the portal disappeared as he had to once again concentrate on freeing himself.

Wade laughed triumphantly and crossed the foyer in a few bounding strides to meet Bucky at the front door. Bucky didn't bother repressing the small smile at the sight, ignoring Nat's muttered judgy 'gross' comment at his side. "Smoochie-poo!" The mercenary sang out the pet name and Bucky's hope of ever living it down disappeared with a quiet little wail. "I couldn't leave without saying goodbye."

'Goodbye' apparently being code for grabbing his his ears and smothering his faces with kisses through the mask, ending with a loud smacking kiss on his forehead. "Get out of here, Wade." Bucky nudged him back a little bit, far enough to see Steve was staring at them and grinning proudly. "No, wait. Flip off Steve for me before you go," he told Wade as he threw up his own middle finger.

Wade glanced over his shoulder at Steve then back to Bucky, gasping in horror. "Captain America is here!" He whisper-screamed, "I can't give Captain America the bird. That's, like, treason or something." (He didn't think he'd ever get tired of Wade's hero-worship of a skinny kid who never knew when to back down.)

"You're Canadian." Nat pointed out and immediately looked mad at herself for engaging when Wade focused his attention on her.

"Captain America transcends the national boundaries, B-Dubs! Going against him is treason in every country." Wade pressed another masked kiss to Bucky's cheek, then danced away to help Wanda pull Strange's cloak free.

"That's not how nationalities works, that's not how any of this works, what-" Nat stopped to breathe in deeply in through her nose and out through her mouth, visibly forcing herself to relax. "Why aren't you going with him through the magic portal?"

"It's going to Westminster and," he looked at his watch, "I'd be getting there just in time for rush hour."

"Westminster? Why not to your place?"

Bucky glanced at Nat, then motioned to Strange. "Don't want everyone knowing where we live. Especially if they've got a way in that can't be blocked."

"Hm. Good to know you haven't lost all sense," she sniffed hautily, pushing the large wooden doors open. Bucky chuckled as he followed her outside.

The next events happened in rapid succession:

-Wade and Wanda managed to pull the cloak away from Strange.

-Strange pulled up another portal and quickly whisked a protesting Wade through.

-A second Wanda fell away from one of the artifact displays, shouts muffled by a gag glowing with green runes and struggling against a tightly tied rope.

-Wanda, the one who wasn't bound and gagged, reached out for the Eye of Agamotto.

-The Eye, as if protesting any hands other than Strange's, emitted a pulse of bright green light while tendrils of dark green edged in black wound around the unbound Wanda's outstretched hand. The bound Wanda managed to pull a hand free, adding streams of red and black magic to the mix. The three coalesced into a throbbing egg of energy before finally exploding and sending a shockwave through the Sanctum.

-Strange's portal and the Sanctum's door closed simultaneously.

 

**Author's Note:**

> ...I'm back?


End file.
